Fire Emblem: The Mystic Lamington
by Kiri-Ryu
Summary: (FE 7) An ancient, mysterious and over-dramatised artifact has arisen, and it is up to Eliwood and co. to go on a pointlessly long quest to find it before the forces of Darkness andor Stupidity do! Contains sarcasm, idiocy, crossdressing and other stuff!


Inspiration sure does strike at inopportune times... (Ahem) Hello! Kiri-Ryu here! Authouress of "Saga of the Discarded" and a few other fanfics that have nothing to do with Fire Emblem, one of which was cruelly taken down by But that does not matter! 

After writing all that depressing stuff in "Saga of the Discarded", I felt the need to write something stupid and humorous. Hence the creation of this Fic. All those who have read itwere both amused and scared for life.

Prominant pairings include EliwoodxLyn and HectorxFlorina, with hintings at KentxFiora. But, hopefully, you'll be paying more attention to the humor than the romance.

I was hoping to have this in 4 parts, but with all my ideas, butI nowthink it'll be a bit longer than that. Don't expect regular updates.

Sugar is good for you, people.

**Disclaimer-** Fire emblem is Copyrighted to Intelligent Systems, and it would be _Intelligent_ if I claimed that I did not own anything about it! (Ba doom, doom, tst!) (Gets hit by a random flying brick)

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* * *

Fire Emblem- The Mystic Lamington **

A complete load of crap written by Kiri-Ryu, with hints from a few friends

**P****art One: The Quest**

It was a fine and sunny day in Pherae... Well, it was sunny... Ok, I lie. It's was a cold, foggy and miserable day in Pherae, and Eliwood, the soon-to-be Marquess of the land, was bored out of his skull. One would expect that Castle Pherae would be abuzz with activity, since Eliwood's coronation was just two months away. But no, the place was stagnating.

The lord and master of the castle was, at the moment, counting the number of cracks in the leftmost brick just above the window. He had gotten up to 75, but lost his count when someone knocked loudly on the door. Eliwood was mildly annoyed, but then remembered that no-one truly cares about how many groves there are in a bit of dried clay.

'Lord Eliwood!' An oh-too-cheery voice came from behind the wooden door. "I have important Plot-related information to tell you!'

With a slowness that can come only from being so bored that bread crumbs suddenly seem to be a revolutionary source of amusement, Eliwood turned to face the door. He looked at unblinkingly for a moment.

'Come in.' He said after a while of thinking, and finally deciding that watching grass grow would be more interesting than staying here for any length of time. The door opened to reveal a little man, about 3 feet tall. He was wearing flowing, golden robes that sparkled then he walked. His skin colour was a shade of dark green, and his eyes were blood red. He had an evil little grin which showed rows upon rows of tiny, sharp little teeth. In his left hand he held a silver-plated 20-sided dice, in his right was a piece of parchment that had the words "Script" printed on it in big, bold letters. He shuffled inside, the looked around the room. He then whistled.

'Whoa, even the walls are bored.' He said in amazement.

'Who are you?' Eliwood asked half-heartedly.

'Me? I'm the mighty and omnipotent DM, or Dungeon Master. Alas, since this is a fanfic and not a Dungeons and Dragons game, I've been demoted to plot device.' He said, still looking around the room. 'Anyway, I'm here to tell you that a great evil will rise. It'll be seeking out a powerful and magical artifact which it will use to destroy the world. It's up to you and a few other characters to go out, smite the evil and get the artifact. And all before teatime.'

'An ancient artifact?' Eliwood asked, interest suddenly rising. 'Is it the Legendary lost sword of the deceased Elven Kingdom?'

'Nope.' The DM shook his head.

'How about the Ergofol, the ancient talking lance of Yestgard the Orc-slayer?'

'Nuh-uh.'

'Holth, the magical bar of soap that was said to clean the entire town of "Muck" within seconds?' Eliwood asked hopefully.

'Not even close.'

'Then why should I go on some crazy quest for an artifact that I've never even heard about?' He said a little angrily.

'One; if you don't you'll be doomed to boredom for the rest of your pitiful life. Two; If you quit before you start, this will be an exceedingly short fanfic. And thus it'll get no reviews, which'll make the Authoress exceedingly angry. And you know what happens when she gets angry, don't you?'

'Yes.' Eliwood shuddered, cringing away. 'I'll never think of watercolor paints in the same way again... Anyway, do you think you could tell me a little bit about this legendary, powerful artifact?'

'Yes.' The DM nodded solemnly. 'It is called... The Mystic Lamington'

**DUN, DUN, DUUUUN!** (Insert dramatic music here.)

'... I'm sorry, but what is a lamington?' Eliwood asked, scratching the back of his neck.

'... We may never know.' The DM replied mystically.

'Well if I find it, then we will know, won't we?'

'Possibly, or it could be shrouded with so much mystery that we can never guess it's true purpose or form!' He raised his arms dramatically, and thunder crackled in the distance.

'... Right. Why don't you give me a clue to where this lamington is or something? Quickly, before somebody takes permanent damage from this over-dramatisation.'

'You may find your first clue where one born of winds resides...'

'Caelin, right. Thanks for that.' He walked over to the mantelpiece and grabbed his cape and rapier.

'Hey!' The DM said, annoyed. 'How the hell did you figure that out so quick? It took me ages to write that down in a confusing and mystic way!'

'It's not that hard. Lyn had the wind affinity, not to mention that she comes from Sacae, a land of windy plains. She is in Caelin at the moment, so I guessed that's where I had to go.' He shrugged, fastening his cape around him.

'Smart-arse...' The DM grumbled, folding his arms over his chest and sulking.

'I have a feeling that we'll meet again, but I'll be hoping that we won't.' Eliwood said as he was exiting the door.

'Funny about that.' The DM called out as the young lord left. The small green being of ultimate power then walked out the door and headed for the kitchen.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a dark and secluded place... In a slightly shaded place... Oh all right, on top of a hill in southern Caelin, the great Evil that the DM spoke of stood on a giant rock. His cape was blowing in the wind, and his arms were folded over his torso. He narrowed his eyes menacingly, then laughed maniacally. 

'Bwahahaha! The entire fate of Elibe now lies in my hands! As soon as I lay my hands on the Mystic Lamington, I will be able to conquer and destroy! Or destroy and conquer! Or just destroy! BWAHAHAHAHA! KNOW FEAR ELIBE, FOR I AM THE KNIGHT OF ETERNAL SHADOW! MY POWER REIGNS SUPREME! AND NONE SHALL BE ABLE TO-'

'Sain, get down from that rock and get back to work.' Kent told his fellow knight, a little more than annoyed that he had been dragged out here for no reason.

'Kent! You ruined my monologue!' The green knight pouted. 'It took me ages to think that up! And you just butted in and completely spoiled the whole thing!'

'There isn't anybody here! Nobody is here to see me ruin your monologue! And it's silly anyhow!'

'Aren't we allowed to try different things in our lifetime? Well, I want to try being a lord of darkness and evil for a while!'

'Sain, It takes more than a monologue on a far away hill to become a lord of darkness and evil. You haven't even dressed the part!'

'What's wrong with my evil costume!' Sain looked angrily at Kent.

'For a start, all you've done is gotten a bit of parchment, written "Very Evil" on it and stuck it to your breastplate. That's not evil, that's silly. Why not just go out, buy some black tinted armour, splatter it with a little blood and then get one of those demonic helmets?'

'What's wrong with this helmet?' Sain complained, pointing to the garment that was atop his head.

'It's a pair of underpants, not a helmet! It's not even men's underwear, it's a pair of frilly knickers!' Kent roared. 'How did you manage to get those anyway?'

'Well, it's a long story that involves alcohol, a dagger and several-'

'No, on second thought, I **don't** want to know.' Kent shook his head. 'Please, get down from the rock and we'll go home and forget this incident ever happened.'

'Oh, all right...' Sain jumped down from the rock and pouted hideously. Then, quite suddenly, he smiled widely and turned to his red armoured friend. 'Hey, I've got a great idea Kent!'

'Oh no...' Kent placed his face in his hand.

'How about you be my evil sidekick! C'mon, we could **so** be the most evil team out there! Our names will go down in history! I can see it now... "The Knight of Eternal Shadow and his slightly less evil henchman Nasty Guy!". What do you think?' He smiled hopefully.

'... Sain.' Kent turned slowly to his partner.

'Yes?'

'No.'

'But-'

'No!'

'Right, looks like I'm going to have to use more forceful tactics.' Sain said, his face turning serious. 'Kent, if you don't join me, I'll show everyone these pictures I took!' He held his arm up high, a series of photographs in his fist.

'... Where did you get those photos? Or the camera for that matter? This is a medieval civilization, and the best thing we have to photography is slamming someone's face into a slab of mud, then letting dry.'

'Hush! That does not matter! Take a look at them and weep!'

Kent took the photos from Sain's grasp. He flicked through them all, his face gradually reddening with each new picture. 'Where did you get these!' He yelled.

'BWAHAHAHAHA! It seems that little Kent is not as pure as everybody thinks! What would Lady Lyndis think if she saw these?'

'You wouldn't dare...'

'I would! Hey, this evil stuff is a lot easier than I thought!' He smiled happily. 'So, what say you? Will you join me in my rampage of evil, or will everybody know what happened when you and missy Fiora got drunk off your heads?'

'... Damnit Sain. You give me no choice. I must join in your reign of terror and/or stupidity.'

'Yay! I have an evil sidekick! Now then, Nasty Guy. We must prepare the recovery of the Mystic Lamington, and then we shall rule! Rule! RULE I SAY! RUUUUULE!'

'Sain.'

'Yes?'

'Shut up.'

* * *

Meanwhile, back in Pherae, Eliwood was glaring angrily at his horse. The great white stallion looked unfazed, if not cocky. 

In all his life, Eliwood had never met a more unusual or bad tempered horse. The stallion was a heavy war-horse, trained for combat and valour. But this particular one had a mean streak a mile wide. He had a habit of kicking or biting anyone who came near him, and did so without any inclination or signs of remorse. He was even worse in battle. Eliwood had never before seen a horse gnaw someone's face off, but it hadn't been very nice to watch. The horse was also unusually intelligent. Alas, when combined with his maliciousness, this made him even more dangerous. Once, when Eliwood had been particularly angry with the horse, he had tied him up to a tree about 50 feet away from the main camp. The horse didn't like that much, so it chewed through the rope, then trotted to Eliwood's tent and sat on him. When a 2,480 pound horse sits on you, you know about it.

The most ironic thing about the stallion was that Eliwood had named it Chivalry. This was, of course, before he found out that it was an asshole.

So, he glared at his white stallion, who glared right back at him.

'Right then Chiv'. I'm going to need your services. This means saddling you. It will be easier for the both of us if you don't bite, kick, spit or in any other way cause injury or humiliation to me. What say you?'

Chivalry blinked, then snorted and tossed his head around. He stamped his hoof and then turned to face Eliwood, a challenging look on his equine face.

'Right then, you leave me no choice.' He gripped the hilt of his rapier, then drew it from it's scabbard. He gingerly poked at Chivalry's nose, trying to distract the stallion. Chivalry twisted his head, bit on the flat of the rapier's blade, then tore it away from Eliwood's hand. He then proceeded to chew on the weapon.

As quick as a cat that had been set on fire, Eliwood grabbed the saddle, then threw it over Chivalry's back. When the stallion spat out the rapier and lunged for his rider, Eliwood shoved the bit in his mouth, then quickly fastened it on. He then finished saddling Chivalry, and placed on the bridle.

'Hah!' He said, smiling at the war-horse. 'I win this round. Better luck next time, horse.'

Chivalry was not impressed. He glared hatefully at Eliwood, then turned around and did his business on the rapier lying in the ground. Eliwood blinked, then glared once again at his white horse.

'Fine...' He said to his smug-looking horse, before gingerly picking up the hilt of his sword. Then, as inspiration griped him, he smiled cruelly and cleaned the filth off in Chivalry's clean drinking water. He then wiped the excess off on a rag that was hanging of a hook nearby. The horse blinked, then snorted bitterly.

'Serves you right.' Eliwood said as he replaced his rapier back in it's sheath. He then moved over and mounted Chivalry. Amazingly, the horse did not try to attack when Eliwood was mounted. But then again, he was a fair target at any other given time, so why bother?

* * *

In breakneck time, Eliwood had managed to arrive in Caelin. Normally, it would have taken two days of hard riding to get there. But by some plot-driven wind, he had managed to arrive just in time for lunch. He reached the stables, then dismounted Chivalry. He lead the horse to a stall, then told the stable boys not to go near him, especially if they liked their fingers. He moved into the castle, looking for a particular teal haired woman. He did not have to look hard. 

'Eliwood!' Lyn said, surprised. 'Why are you here? I thought you were in Pherae, getting ready for your coronation?' She rushed down the staircase to meet with him.

'I was, but I think that if I had stayed in that place any longer, I would have started growing mold.' He sighed, recounting the great amounts of boredom. 'But, that does not matter any more. I've been sent here to find and item of great power before a terrible evil does. If I do not, then there is a good chance that the world will be destroyed or twisted into a sick and vile parody of itself!'

'Eliwood.' Lyn said, folding her arms and sighing.

'Yes?'

'Stop overacting.'

'Sorry, I must have picked it up from that DM fellow.' He scratched the back of his neck. 'But am here seeking out some magic artifact.'

'Which one?' She asked him curiously.'

'The "Mystic Lamington" or something like that.'

'The Mystic Lamington?' She asked, surprised. 'My tribe, the Lorca, were the guardians of the first clue to the Lamington.'

'Gee, how convenient.' Eliwood rolled his eyes. 'Well, do you know what it is then?'

'Alas, I don't. The true form of the Lamington was kept secret from even us.'

'Damn.' Eliwood snapped his fingers. 'I knew it couldn't be that easy. So, what do you know about this legendary artifact that no-one has heard about until now?'

'Well, we have a legend. But I'm not sure you would understand it' She said.

'Oh? And why not?' He looked at her curiously. 'Is it entirely in the Sacaen dialect?'

'...Sort of. It's told in a storytelling dance. In order to do it properly, I have to build a large bonfire and perform around it for half an hour, discarding most, if not all, of my garments as I go along.'

'I see no problem with that.' Eliwood said with a shrug.

'But it'll take a full half hour, plus extra to set up the fire! I could just translate it for you now.'

'No, the dance is fine. It just wouldn't be right if we skipped it just for time's sake.'

'But you said there was a great evil going after it! That means that while I perform the long and complicated ceremony, that evil will have a head start!' Lyn shook her head, her long hair flicking around her. 'No, I must shorten it. Translated, it means "He who is chosen to find the Lamington must seek out the wolf with the delicate flower in his paws. In the wolf's den, he shall find the next clue".' She spoke mystically, her voice thick with her Sacaen accent.

'It takes half an hour of dancing and... Er... Undressing to say that?' Eliwood asked, trying not to sound insulting.

'Well, I didn't say it was efficient. It's more for ceremony and tradition, and the tribe males said it was important to keep the rituals of the past alive.' She shrugged. 'It used to be a lot worse, it was insisted that we use the dance for all communications. It took 5 hours to say "Hey, how are you doing?" And I won't mention what other actions we had to do. I'm sure you can imagine it.'

'... Dance... Imagine...' Eliwood said, looking into space with a glazed expression on his face.

'Eliwood? Are you Ok?'

'What? Oh, yes. I am. Now, I'm sorry to leave you so soon, but I must depart for Ostia.'

'Ostia? Why?' Lyn looked confusedly at him.

'Duh, Hector the **Wolf.** Has an axe called **Wolf** Beil. Is engaged to Florina, who is a delicate** Flower.** Seriously, these clues are so easy to figure out, it's as if someone took 5 seconds to think them up.' He rolled his eyes.

'... You know, I really should have figured that out for myself.' Lyn scratched the back of her neck. 'I guess you really are the one chosen to find the lamington.'

'I suppose.' He sighed. 'Well, I had better be off. It was nice to see you again Lyn.' He smiled softly, then turned around. Once again he entered the stables, and he tried to drag Chivalry off a poor, defenceless stable-hand. After a struggle, Eliwood pulled the stallion off, and then told it to spit out the clump of hair that he had torn off the stable-hand's scalp. Finally, he told the poor, bleeding boy that he should have listened, then he mounted and began riding off to Ostia.

5 minutes after he left, Eliwood heard galloping coming from behind him. He turned in his saddle to see Lyn riding towards him. He stopped Chivalry, and waited for her to catch up.

'Lyn!' He said, surprised. 'What are you doing here?'

'I have the feeling that I must help you with this quest.' She said. 'Plus, I really needed to get out of that castle. I've been cooped up in there for months!'

'I understand...' He shuddered, thinking about the endless amounts of boredom that awaited him back at Castle Pherae.

'I've asked Grandfather, and he said it was all right. As long as I don't disappear for ten years, then when I finally come back, I'm followed by a small horde of children.' She smiled.

'Well, we'll just have to restrain ourselves then.' He replied, also smiling. The two then nudged their horses forward. There was an uncomfortable silence that lasted ten minutes.

'Lyn?' Eliwood asked finally, clearing his throat.

'Yes?' She turned to look at him.

'After this is all over... Do you think you could show me that storytelling dance?'

* * *

Sain and Kent arrived at Castle Caelin moments after Eliwood and Lyn left. Surprisingly, they did not meet with or even see the two lords leave. They tied up their horses, then entered the castle. Before entering the main room, Sain took off his "Evil Overlord of Darkness" uniform (a.k.a., he ripped off the parchment and stuffed the frilly knickers in his back pocket). The two knights looked around, noticing the distinct lack of Sacaen woman. 

'Well, there goes my plan for an evil Queen of Torment.' Sain said, scratching the back of his neck.

'I had thought that you trying to become an Evil Overlord of Darkness was stupid. But trying to convert Lady Lyndis to your cause takes the cake.' Kent sighed. 'I suppose you have dirt on her too.'

'Nope. I was just hoping that our beautiful patron was sick of the side of light and would want to go on an evil rampage for a few days.' Sain smiled goofily.

'... Sain, have I ever mentioned that you're an idiot?' Kent asked.

'Yes.'

'Just making sure.'

'Kent, Sain, what are you doing?'

The two knights jumped, the turned around to see Lord Hausen coming down the staircase towards them.

'Er, we discussing things, milord. They are of no consequence.' Sain said in a panicked voice. 'However, could you please reveal to us the location of Lady Lyndis, we have important news to tell her.'

'Important?' Kent whispered to Sain.

'What could be more important that taking over the world?' The brown haired knight responded, also whispering.

'My granddaughter has gone off with to Ostia with Lord Eliwood, on a mystic quest or some such thing.' Lord Hausen waved his hand dismissively. 'Looking for a "Magic Lemming" or something.'

'Err, the Mystic Lamington milord?' Sain asked.

'That's it. I just think it's an excuse to go and do dirty things with the soon-to-be Marquess of Pherae.' He snorted.

'Ah, yes. I suppose so Milord. Er, do you mind if Kent and I take some time off duty? Something important has come up. Poor Kent's dear little sister has broken her leg by falling off a cliff. We want to visit her and wish her good luck.'

'She fell off a cliff?' Lord Hausen asked, shocked.

'Yes, and she was diagnosed with cancer too.' He shook his head sadly.

'Cancer! My goodness. What type?'

'Bowl and Lung cancer. It's very sad. As soon as she heard the news, she had a heart attack from the shock.'

'Oh dear...' Lord Hausen shook his head sadly, then turned to Kent. 'Please, let me keep you here no-longer. You must go see your sister immediately! Please, give her my sympathies.'

'Er... I shall milord. I'm certain that she'll be... Comforted.' He said hesitantly.

'Poor Kent, he's in such shock about his poor sister. Come, my friend, we must go and see her before she has another stroke!' He grabbed Kent by the arm and dragged him out. After they had left earshot of the Marquess of Caelin, Sain let out a heavy sigh of relief.

'Whew.' He said. 'My ingenious plan got us out of that one, didn't it Nasty Guy?'

'Ingenious? I'm surprised that Lord Hausen actually bought it. Not only do I **not** have a sister, but there were enough fatal diseases in that excuse to kill all of Bern off!' Kent glared angrily at Sain. 'And would you stop calling me by that stupid nickname!'

'But it's your evil alter-ego! You have to have another name for your evil alter-ego!'

'My non-existent sister could have thought up a better name than "Nasty Guy" Sain.' Kent rolled his eyes.

'Well, go think of something better then. But, it looks as if we had better hurry up and find that Lamington so we can use it to further the cause of evil. With Eliwood and our elegant Lady Lyndis looking for it, we have no time to waste!' He pointed to the doors dramatically.

'... I'm actually surprised that there is actually a Mystic Lamington. I had thought that you had just made it up.' Kent admitted, leaning a shoulder on a wall and folding his arms aver his chest.

'Hah! Well, I sure proved you wrong! You have no faith in me, do you?'

Kent paused, and considered Sain's question for a while, before finally replying with: 'No.'

'Ack! You're scorn hurts me, my sidekick! Can we not work as a team to take down the side of goodness and light, so that evil may triumph?'

'With you leading the side of evil, we have no chance in hell.' Kent stated matter-of-factly. 'Let's just go and find Eliwood and Lyn so that we can get our butts kicked, allowing us to stop this stupidity sooner.'

'Who says that we will loose! Once we have the Mystic Lamington in our grasp, We'll be able to smite them all! BWAHA-'

'Shut up Sain! Do you want the entire of Caelin to know your plans?'

'Good point Nasty Guy! I must not Maniacally Laugh in public places, unless it serves me to do so!' He puffed out his chest. 'Now, come! We must give chase to Eliwood so that we may get to the Lamington before he does!' He stomped off to the stables. Kent stood in place for a while, then sighed forlornly and plodded slowly after his blackmailer.

* * *

It feels gooood to write humour again! And this proves to be my biggest undertaking yet! More importantly, what did you guys think? Good? Wonderful? Brilliant? Or just plain wierd? Review and let me know! 

R&R Please, or I'll get Sain to send to send Nasty Guy after you!

Kent- ...


End file.
